We Humans Are Funny

I came across this story, it shows how funny we humans can be. When we get to the point where we can't laugh at our selves we have some major problems. So lighten up just a tad and enjoy life, its the only one you are going to get this side of heaven or the other place.

How To Survive Bean Soup

Self preservation by vigorous participation, approaching as a contest with a wide open playing field and being victorious.

With many ways to survive, I am setting down a fundamental precept that I use with great success. This discourse will lay out the basics in which you can approach each situation with confidence. These techniques and profiles can be used with other dishes as well as bean soup. Be creative. The area where the food is consumed is hereby known as the “Playing Field”, those eating hereby known as the “Players”. Those choosing not to participate in the match, hereby known as “Free Airers”, will be shown respect and allowed sufficient time to leave. Any ill wind shown towards Free Airers can lead to disqualification. Free Airers are not allowed to come back on to the playing field once the match starts. Free Airers are forbidden to take parting shots as they leave, or to stand on the side lines to slander any player or players.

Next you must know the players

They come in all sizes and shapes, with various talents and attributes. I will endeavor to lay down the most prevalent of participants, but by no means an exhaustive list.

The Smiler

This player lacks self-confidence and endurance. But on occasions there is power and strength behind the simple smile. This player can sneak up on you. Once you realize what has happened it can be too late, even to cut and run. You need to study this one for anything that resembles a smirk.

The Snicker-er

This player is over blown. He thinks he has created a mountain but in reality just a mole hill. He is all show and no go. Not to be underestimated, but one you can triumph over. He will never invoke, cut and run. Beware if he invokes, rapid release. This can be a match winning strategy, but one usually only used by seasoned professionals.

The Vibratoeus Excretioneus

This player is born with musical talent and believes he is born to entertain. He is an average player unless he has Beethoven syndrome. Which translates into long symphonies and sharp cicadas. This “Virtuoso of Vapor” thinks he is a one man band, but his pride is usually his down fall. He will invoke, cut and run. But return to the playing field with renewed confidence.

Your Second Cousin From Your Mothers Side

Beware; this player is a blood relative that is never found in the family album or videos of said family. He is an awesome competitor and holds all family records with many victories plus several honorable mentions. He is unmatched in the playing field because of his unique talents and original displays of his ambidextrous torso. His ability to toot “Yankee Doodle Dandy” while humming “Some Where Over The Rainbow” is legendary. Add to this, the unorthodox procedure of extracting large objects from his nasal passages puts him in a class of his own and at the forefront of player of the year and M.V.P. of any series. Avoid him at all costs, unless of course there is team competition. If not, remember you have the option of cut and run. If you decide to stay with it, remember, your best defense is a strong and exuberant offense. You must push yourself to the limit.

The Blusher

This player knows he has the power to clear the playing field, but is reluctant to use said powers. He still suffers from shamenitis of humilityoses, which has sent many would be champions to the showers early. Watch this player, because he is capable of busting out and blowing out all competitors before him.

The Pusher

This player will go to the extreme. One must be careful not to confuse this player with the blusher. Both have the same appearance but the pusher is by far more aggressive. He usually will over extend himself beyond safety limits and invoke, cut and waddle.


The Silent Magician

This player, better known as the “Phantom of Exhaust” is a mystery in and of himself. He will exercise his ability and vanish to the other side of the playing field. If one does not concentrate on the match, you can walk into a most deadly and game ending trap. One caught by this player leaves the field with his head looking skyward and many tears in his eyes.

The Confident Pointer

This player will confidently point at you and not say a word. His steely gaze can impale you with tremblelingitis, not to be confused with trembleingotis which overcomes the Pusher from time to time. You must stand your ground until you see which way the wind blows. Occasionally this player can completely dominate the field. But more times than not it is a bluff. There will be time, for his abilities are slow to rise and dominate. This will give you much needed time to invoke, cut and run.

High Class Parties

Many times the power foods have been camouflaged and the playing field will be set up with out any notice at first. The players here, for the most part are novices and amateurs. Their abilities are limited, but one sometimes can pick up new techniques that are applied out of self preservation. Do not feel you are lowering yourself in this instance. One must enhance his craft from wherever the source may come. These players will exude a sad and messy performance. They will give a whole new meaning to the phrase “rank amateur”.

The Game Winner

When you are victorious(all participants pronounce you extraordinAIRe), do not, I repeat, do not rub their noses in it. This can lead to “escalation” not to be confused with exuberation. I have seen “escalation” turn into a fierce all out confrontation. The results have been a total leveling of the playing field. I have seen paint peel, formica lift, and super glue fail. And the ultimate disaster, the universal law of physics applies itself, when gases turn into solids. This can influence cut and run into cut and waddle leading to all out panic, which in turn becomes an all out stampede. People can get hurt, one must remember we are professionals and act accordingly.

You Can Leave With Dignity

Other ways to survive are, instantly excuse yourself and go shopping, see a movie, or visit a sick friend. Any excuse that will enable you to leave the playing field with dignity and decorum before competition starts, apply it. Though most men love the thrill of competition and are into it for the wind blows free. I have seen female counterparts that take a back seat to no one. If you stay, just try to do your best.

Other Power Foods

Our thinking has been on the lines of bean soup, but other foods can exert themselves. Such as, baked beans, sauerkraut, polish sausage, boiled eggs, and of course my favorite, and “Hall of Fame” maker, kidney beans mixed with scrambled eggs. Let the juices flow.

Final Thoughts

I must end this at the present time, much to my sadness. It has been enjoyable and I hope some of this humble writing has been helpful and enlightening to your pursuit of excellence. So I give to you all “a toot salute” and all is well.


I hope you got a good laugh and feel better for it. And, all is well down on the farm.